Holding On, Letting Go
by Zlhna
Summary: What would have happened if Edward rather than Alice came back to check and see if Bella was really dead after cliff diving? Just an exploratory scribble. Bella has more self-awareness in this story. Rated T for eventual T-ness
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1  
I teetered on the edge. My lips hovered over his skin, and I was utterly undecided. I could imagine how warm he would feel against my lips.**

Could I do this? There was no doubt I felt strongly for Jacob; but only two hours ago I was jumping off a cliff just to hear Edward's voice. I couldn't start something new when I still clung desperately to him who left me behind. It was irrational, but I could feel it: things weren't over with Edward yet. But being in this small enclosed space with Jacob- feeling the weight of his hand in my hair- I felt a glimmer of a future. Sometimes it felt electric. There were moments when I laid back on the driftwood tree and imagined I could be absorbed into it, so as to never be apart from the freedom I felt there. Then I would realize I was supposed to be missing a big house in the forest, and piano music and icy hands, and I would feel guilty for forgetting for a moment. Edward haunted every happy memory I had with Jacob.

Maybe kissing Jacob would pull me back into the world of the living. The air was sucked out of my lungs as I was suddenly thrown back into my seat, the truck hurtling out of my driveway and down the road.

"What's happened?" I asked frantically when I caught my breath. I looked behind me, and saw a sleek silver car half hidden in the shrubs. I knew that car. Am I now seeing my hallucinations as well as hearing them?

"Vampire," Jacob spat, deftly shifting, urging the car faster.

"Victoria?" I asked, panicked. Was she trying to lure me in? Was I so desperate I'd fall for it- and I knoew- yes. Yes I was. If there was even a chance it was Edward I'd go back.

"Turn around," I commanded.

"Bella, are you insane? I'm not bringing you back there. I think one near-death experience is enough for today."

"It's Edward, isn't it? Turn the car arround!" I bellowed.

Jacob looked at me, torn. I could only imagine how I looked- half-drowned and determined.  
"I swear, Jacob, I will jump out of this car if you don't turn it around right now." I began to fumble for the door handle. I needed to know why Edward was here. I needed to get the answers I never got.

"You're suicidal," Jacob mumbled, sounding very much like Sam, but he turned the truck around and pulled back in front of my house, cutting the engine. He got out and came around to my side before I had even managed to open the door.

"I'm going in first," he stated.

"You don't have to," I said. My initial anxiety had subsided and I was realizing how difficult I was making this for Jacob.

"I'm going in first," he repeated, allowing no arguments. "Even if you don't care, I'm committed to keeping you alive."

I reached out and took his hand, squeezed it and breathed, "Thank you." He was too good to me. His face only barely softened and he lightly squeezed it back and helped me out of the truck.  
The front door was unlocked, of course, and Jacob slowly led the way in, keeping a secure grasp on my hand.

In an instant, Edward appeared before us in the kitchen.

He was beautiful. I stopped breathing for a moment as I took in his perfect features, realizing that my memory had copied him perfectly. After allowing my eyes to rest on every part of him, I noticed the pain in his face. I saw his eyes dart down to where my hand disappeared into Jacob's and a hint of surprise entered his dark eyes. Jacob growled, and I could see every muscle in his body tense, though he was careful to keep his grip on my hand gentle.

"You're alive," Edward breathed, barely loud enough for me to hear. I saw relief wash over his face. His eyes softened and he took a step toward me.

"Watch it," Jacob barked.

"Bella, who is this, and why does he smell like a..." Edward asked, and realization washed over his face.

"What are you doing here?" Jacob asked, teeth clenched.

"I came to see Bella," Edward answered coldly. He looked around Jacob, at me and his voice quietened as he explained, "Alice saw you jump off the cliff. Then you disappeared. I assumed the worst. Thank god, thank god, Bella..."

"Jacob saved me," I explained. Why didn't Alice see that? "Is Alice here, too?" I asked, hopefully.

"No, I insisted on coming alone. I wasn't planning on staying long. I just needed to know there was no mistake. Thank God there was."

"Well, now you've seen her. Mission accomplished. You can leave," Jacob growled.

"I'm not sure I can." Edward's eyes never left my face. I could see them wandering over it, memorizing every feature. My eyes were scanning his face, looking for some clue as to why he was here. Why would he care if I died?

"Bella, we need to talk."

"What could you possibly have to say to her?" There was venom in Jacob's voice.

"That's between her and me. Bella, there's so much to explain. I would have come back soon anyway. Please, can we talk. Alone?"

"No," Jacob answered for me.

"Jake, it's okay," I offered, gently putting my hand on his arm and beginning to move around him.

"Shouldn't I be here, to pick up the pieces when he leaves you shattered, again?" Jacob's voice was harsh, and I knew it was directed at Edward, not me.

"Shattered?" Edward repeated, panic filling his eyes again.

"It's nothing," I told him, wanting to comfort him.

"Like hell it's nothing!" Jacob bellowed. "What kind of hold does he have over you, Bells, that you'll just forget the past few months?" Edward's face was contorting in pain. A small, cruel smile flickered across Jacob's face.

"Jake, please. I need to hear this."

He stepped between us, blocking out Edward and said softly to me, "You're really sending me away?" I could see the hurt in his eyes.

"Not like that," I assured him. "But I need to hear him out. I'll call you soon. I promise."

"You're killing me, Bella," Jake said softly. "I'm coming back in an hour, whether you call me or not." It was a pointed threat for Edward's benefit. Then Jacob kissed my forehead and walked to the door. He turned around once to look at Edward. "You hurt her, I'll kill you," he promised. 


	2. Chapter 2

**"This isn't real," I said after a moment. "I can't believe you're really here."**

"I couldn't stay away any longer," he explained.

"Is this…" I began, but stopped. I didn't know how to ask.

"What?" Edward prompted. He looked frustrated. "I hate not being able to read your mind."

"Is this a guilt thing?" I asked. "Did you hear about Victoria?"

"What about Victoria?" Suddenly he looked alarmed. Oops. Clearly he didn't know about that.

"Never mind, it's nothing," I tried to cover quickly. "It's under control." Thanks to Jacob.

"No, not 'never mind.' What about Victoria? Has she… has she been here?" His voice was alarmed.

"Answer my questions first, " I insisted. "Why are you…?"

"Bella, please, this is important. Victoria has…"

"This is important, too. Why the hell are you here, Edward?" He looked at me in surprised that I raised my voice to him.

"I love you," he replied simply.

"Yes, okay. This is a dream. Wow, they're getting realistic. And they had almost completely stopped since Jacob's been around."

"This isn't a dream," he said with his velvet voice. That wasn't helping to convince me.

"That's what you always say in the dreams, and it makes it that much more painful when I wake up." My voice fell.

"What do I have to do to prove to you you're not dreaming?" He said, his voice becoming urgent and he took a step closer to me.

"This just can't possible be real. You...you aren't standing in my kitchen right now. You left me. You left me because you don't love me. You told me so yourself."

Edward crossed the room in an instant and took my face between his hands, as carefully as if he were holding a soap bubble. I shivered. I had grown so used to Jacob's warm touch. "I'll prove it to you," he whispered. I fell into his dark eyes. Dark? He's hungry. Being this close to me must be torture. I couldn't get myself to care. He was so close and his sweet scent was making me wonderfully dizzy. I closed my eyes and felt his cold lips press against mine. My lips molded around his and he held me closely, carefully. It was as if the last few months didn't exist. He pulled away too quickly.

"Convinced?" he asked with his crooked smile.

"I've missed kissing," I sighed.

"I've missed you."

"If it's true," I said. He arched an eyebrow. "Okay, since it's true," I corrected myself, "I still don't understand why you've come back."

"I told you, Bella. I love you. I just can't be away from you. I've tried, and I'd rather be dead."

"But you don't love me," I corrected. "That's why I don't understand why you're here."

"How you think I don't love you?"

"Um, a little conversation we had in the woods a few months ago?"

"You couldn't possibly have believed that," he whispered.

"Why wouldn't I believe you? We've always told each other the truth. And besides, it never made sense for you to love me."

"Bella, that was the blackest blasphemy. I could never stop loving you. You are everything to me."

I didn't understand. This didn't make sense. "Then why would you have done that to me?" I felt a little betrayed. He had no idea what I had gone through because of his words. Love was the one truth in my life, and he told me it was a lie. How could I believe him now?

"I had to keep you safe. After what happened with Jasper, I knew we had to leave, to protect you. And here I come back and find you jumping off cliffs..."

"That was recreational!" I defended myself.

"...and hanging out with a werewolf..."

"You don't even know Jacob," I defended.

"...and being stalked by Victoria."

I had no defense for that.

"Maybe moving away wasn't such a great idea," he mulled to himself.

I couldn't believe it. "Are you coming back?" I asked, barely allowing myself to think it true.  
His eyes flashed to mine. "Would you take me back?" he said softly.

"Yes," I replied, no hesitation.

"You don't need to think about it?" he said, but he sounded happy at my quick response.

"What's there to think about?" I countered, and lunged at him, wrapping my arms tight around his waist. He put his cool arms around me and rested his cheek against the top of my head. THis time I pulled away first.

"I need to call Jacob. He's worried about me."

"How much time exactly do you spend with him?" Edward asked, keeping his voice casual.

"We see each other every day," I replied, picking up the phone and dialing Jacob's number. Edward nodded, deep in thought.

"Hi, Billy, it's Bella. Is Jacob there?" I asked, noting Billy's cool greeting. So word has gotten around already. "Jacob- yes, I'm fine. He says so. I don't know about the rest of them. Jake? Why do you need to talk to Sam? Um, okay. I'll talk to you later? Oh. Well, call me when you can." I hung up the phone, my face falling into a frown.

"Not too happy to see me return?" Edward guessed, and wrapped his arms around me.

"It'll be fine."

"Who's Sam?" Edward asked.

"The alpha. I think Jacob's going to tell the pack you're back."

"The pack? How many of them are there?" Edward sounded alarmed.

"Five," I replied, distracted. I wondered how they would react. Oh, god, would they hate me now?

"My God, Bella, and you spent time with them?"

"Of course," I replied, not understanding. I was more concerned with making sure they'd still let me spend time with them now that...things had changed.

"Do you know how dangerous new werewolves are? What were you thinking?" He half yelled.

I looked up at him, not understanding this reaction. "They wouldn't hurt me," I insisted.

"You can't know that! How long has Jacob even been a werewolf?"

"I don't know, a month or so?"

"He could have killed you!"

"You don't know what you're talking about," I said through gritted teeth. What was going on with him? This is not the reunion I had dreamed about.

"He's not in control of himself," Edward tried to explain.

"You haven't seen him, Edward. He's taken to it really well. He's got an amazing amount of self-control."

Edward looked like he was having a debate in his head. "I don't want you to go to La Push for a while," he ordered.

"Excuse me?"

"Not while there are new werewolves there. You underestimate their danger."

"You've been gone for months and this is the first thing you want to talk about?"

He just looked at me, firm in his decision.

"Edward, they kept me safe from Victoria. If it wasn't for them, I'd be dead right now. A thousand times over," I explained. Edward cringed at that. But I couldn't just peace out on Jake. Not after all he had done for me. Not after how I'd grown to care about him.

"Bella, please," he whispered. "For me."

"We'll discuss it," I compromised. Seeing he was about to object, I quickly asked, "What story are we telling Charlie? Is you whole family moving back?"

He stored our argument away for another time. "I'm sure they will. They all miss you. Almost as much as I have," he said, his voice turning velvet again.

"You have no idea, Bella," he whispered into my hair, "what my life's been like without you."

"You have no idea what I've been through," I whispered back.

"I'll never forgive myself for doing that to you. I promise I'll never leave you again. Unless you send me away," he said. I pulled myself closer to him. He picked me up and carried me to the couch, sitting with me wrapped in his lap. My fingers explored his face, his perfect features. He was really here; I was really in his arms. 


	3. Chapter 3

**"What do you mean 'The Cullens are back'?" Charlie half-bellowed. I had made his favorite foods for dinner, trying to assuage the inevitable rage. "You're not getting involved with the Cullen boy again, are you?"**

"Well, Dad, actually..."

"You can't be serious," Charlie raged, sitting back in his chair, gripping the armrests. "After what he did to you?"

"He really didn't do anything," I tried to defend him. Charlie got very red. "I mean, his family moved away. I just took the separation very badly."

"Bells, he left you alone in the woods. He had no communication with you for months. You didn't have to see yourself during that time the way I had to."

Poor Charlie. It didn't occur to me that I wasn't the only one suffering during that time.

"Bella, I just don't want you to get hurt again. I don't know how I can trust that boy. I don't know how you can."

"I can't explain it, Dad," I tried to explain. I couldn't even explain it to myself, how could I provide an excuse to Charlie? "I love him."

"Has he even apologized for everything he's put you through?" Charlie asked.

Hmm. No, he hasn't. But I guess I never expected him to. I didn't really hold him at fault for anything that happened. He was only trying to take care of me, after all.

"It means Alice will be coming back," I said, trying to distract my father. Charlie always was fond of Alice.

No such luck. Charlie was lost in his own reverie and mumbled, "Poor Jacob. Have you thought about him at all?"

"That's not really fair, Dad," I objected. It's all I had thought about since Jacob left the house the night Edward returned. I'm still at a loss of how I'd convince Edward to agree to visitation rights with Jacob.

"I'm not going to forbid you to see the Cullen boy, Bells, but things are going to be different this time. He's got to earn my respect and trust back. And that's not an easy thing to do once it's lost."

"I understand," I complied, relieved Charlie was even willing to find common ground on the Edward matter. He began to lay down a list of visiting hours and parental supervision rules which I only half paid attention to, knowing that Edward was waiting for me in my room during the whole speech. I was sure he'd take notes, eager to return to Charlie's good graces.

A few weeks had passed and things had returned to normal. Well, the old normal. The pre-Jacob normal, which no longer felt...normal. And how ordinary can life really be when dating one vampire, being hunted by another, and fighting with your werewolf-best-friend?

The Cullens moved back to their house, Carlisle was welcomed back to the hospital with celebration and Edward and Alice took their places by my side at the lunch table once again, earning wary glances from Jessica and jealous looks from Mike. But I couldn't just slip into the old routine, because without even realizing it, I had created a new routine; one that I missed more than I expected.

Edward resumed our life as if things had never changed. It was a relief to no longer have to sleep alone- to actually sleep through a night without nightmares. The thrill of Edward's touch hadn't faded with time. I could easily get swept away in his beauty, his scent, his touch. Sometimes we would just lie on my bed together as the rain beat against the window and roof, listening to music, saturating ourselves in each other's company.

But things had changed. I had changed during his absence. I hardly even noticed the subtitles until Edward returned. His company used to be sufficient for my happiness. But I still found myself watching the clock at school, until I realized that at the end of the day, I wouldn't be going to La Push to drink warm sodas. I always drove with the truck windows rolled all the way down, because Jacob always wanted the wind on his face. A dozen times a day I thought "I'll have to remember this and tell Jacob" before I realized I wouldn't be able to. I checked my phone messages every night, but he never called. And he didn't return my messages. Jacob and I had been inseparable for months- I had gotten used to our routine. I liked our routine. Things just weren't as bright without him. I laughed a lot less. And I was cold all the time.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Thank you to everyone reading this story. I should have put a little disclaimer at the beginning that yes, this looks like an Edward/Bella story. I promise you Jacob/Bella is my endgame, but like everything in the Twilight world, things move pretty slowly. If you want a faster resolution, this story might not be for you- that's still a few chapters away._******

I sat on my bed with my Trig homework open in front of me. With everything going on it was a miracle I wasn't failing out of high school. I suppose it helped that I had a genius to tutor me whenever an exam was scheduled. My eyes drifted toward my cell phone and I poked at it for the fifth time that hour, "No New Messages" lighting up on the screen. I've been staring at it all night- there's no way I would have missed a call, but I held my breath each time I checked my phone- hoping against hope I'd see Jacob's number on the screen.

"This is ridiculous." I mumbled to myself. I looked at the clock and it was only 7:30. Edward wasn't here yet. If I left right now I could make it over the boundary before he was expected to show up. Maybe I could tell him I had gone to Angela's to study or something. I sat for another moment, deliberating. Jacob could ignore my calls, but he couldn't ignore me so easily if I was standing in front of him. It was childish for him to ignore me just because Edward was back. I didn't want to choose sides- I wanted them both. It was selfish of me, but screw it, I'm 18 years old and allowed to act like it sometimes. I climbed off my bed and pulled on my shoes.

Charlie looked up from the game on TV and gave me a surprised look as I pulled my coat off the hook announced "I'm headed to see Jake, is that okay?" I didn't even wait to hear his answer before I pulled the front door open and ran to my truck. I climbed in and shook the dampness from my hair. It was another dreary, misty evening. I pushed down on the clutch and turned the key in the ignition. It gave a weak sputter and died. I tried again- this time, nothing happened. I hit the steering wheel out of frustration, "Don't do this to me, truck!" I begged.

My heart jumped into my throat when I sensed someone behind me in the dark cab. He was sitting in the backseat, turning a car battery over in his hands.

"I thought you understood this wasn't allowed."

"What the hell, Edward?" I yelled, my heart slowly making is way back into my chest.

"Alice saw you deciding to see Jacob. This is for your protection. You're not safe there; most of them haven't learned to control themselves yet."

This again? I was getting really tired of his lectures. "Well, it was safe enough for several months when you left me. I spent nearly every day there and there's not a scratch on me."

I hit a nerve. He looked like he was in agony. No doubt he was playing over all the ways he had put me in harm's way in the short time we had known each other.

"Don't do that," I said quietly, reading his face.

"Do what?"

"Stop blaming yourself for every bad thing that comes my way. Can't we just have a good old-fashioned argument without opening the floodgates of guilt?"

"It wasn't like this for you before we met. I'm no good for you," he muttered.

"I know." He looked up, surprised at my answer. "Life was a lot easier before we met. But it was also boring and lonely. I get a choice in this, too. And right now, I am choosing to be with you. I wish you'd trust me to make my own decisions."

"I do trust you, just not them."

"I'm afraid it doesn't work like that." I don't know where I was getting the courage to say all these things. I was even surprising myself. "You have to give me some freedom, Edward, or being with you won't feel like a choice anymore."

"I wish you had a chance to get to know them," I said, my voice softening. I wanted to crawl into the back of the cab with him. I wanted to rest my head against his chest. But more than that I wanted to stand my ground, so I stayed where I was.

"I have everything I need. And I was never very good at making new friends." he replied. We sat in silence for a few moments.

"Is this really about my safety?" I asked softly.

"What else would it be about?" he evaded my question. When I didn't answer, he continued, "You mean everything to me, Bella."

"That's not true," I corrected gently. "You have your family and your music."

"Nothing sustains me the way you do."

"You lived almost a century without me."

"A century that I only know now was a shell of a life. I was content until I met you, and I saw all that my life was missing, all my life could be. Now that my eyes have been opened, I could never go back to the way it was. It would be a half-life."

Jacob's smile flashed in my mind as Edward said these things. I pushed that thought away. It was betrayal to think of Jacob when I was with Edward.

"I'll forgive you tomorrow." I walked back to the house, feeling more confused and frustrated then when I left. The way Edward talked about me was how I had been feeling about Jacob these last few weeks, and that was unsettling.

"What's wrong?" Charlie asked, sitting up as I reappeared in the house, much too quickly to have made the trip to La Push and back.

"My car won't start. Something with the battery, I think."

"Do you want to use the cruiser?" He asked hopefully, digging into his pocket for the keys.

"No, thanks, Dad. I think I'll just go to bed," I suddenly felt exhausted. I walked past my father toward the stairs and then stopped short. I turned and sat on the couch next to him. He looked at me in surprise.

"What happened with you and mom? Why did she leave?" I asked it just like that, no preface, no build-up.

He looked up at the ceiling, deciding on his words. Then he looked back at me. "We had very different dreams," he said after a moment.

"So opposites don't attract after all?" I asked ruefully, thinking about how very different I was from either Edward or Jacob. Ironically, they had more in common with each other than I had with either of them.

"I don't know about that," I muttered. It was clear this wasn't a comfortable conversation topic for him. "Didn't you and your mom ever talk about what happened?" He asked hopefully. I shook my head. He paused and sighed, "We didn't make room for each other's dreams. We were decided on our own and... we weren't ready to compromise." He looked off somewhere behind me, off into the past.

I paused and thought about that for a moment. "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at once?" The question escaped before I could reel it back in. This was not a conversation I could ever have imagined having with my dad. Not gruff old Charlie. But his answer surprised me.

"I couldn't say. I've only ever loved one woman."

Charlie is so straight froward. No frills. It made his statement that much more romantic. For the first time I wonder how my mother could have left him.

He looked at me sideways, trying to discern what brought on all my soul-searching questions. He patted my shoulder, "Ask me how a carburetor works; that I could explain to you no problem."

"Thanks, Dad. That was significantly less awkward than I anticipated." I kissed the top of his head and moved toward the stairs, "Goodnight."

"Yup. You, too, kiddo." after a few moments I heard the game turn back on as I closed the door to my room.

I made sure the window was locked. Surely that would make no difference to Edward's ability to get in, but he would understand the signal. I needed to be alone. I curled into my blankets and fell asleep to the sound of the rain against my window.


End file.
